Back Stabbing Cold Blooded Imposter Gangsta
by TheBlackKeys
Summary: Ron, Hermione, Umbridge, and Harry. Who dies? Who kills? Who is set up? Who is the Back Stabbing Cold Blooded Imposter Gangsta? Chap 15 is up.
1. Free Time

Chapter Number One

I do not own Harry Potter, or anything else, you might think I own in here except for the plot.

"Excellent!" Ronald Weasley The First said. He had completed his Polyjuice Potion. He added every ingredient from magical stuff to other stuff. He did it just to kill time. He saw Scarface coming and he said, "Come here."

"Just a little bit more-- and there!" Ron said. He pulled Scarface's (aka Harry Potter) hair out by shaving his head using the Balding Charm from his wand. He added it all to the Potion.

"What to do, what to do." Ron pondered. Alas, his plan succeeded of picking of the Polyjuice Potion. He was about to drink it but, then, he fell asleep.

THE NEXT MORNING

The next morning, Ron had a wonderful idea. A wonderful awful idea. A wonderful awful interesting idea. A wonderful awful interesting and yet still, awful idea. This was the plan:

THE PLAN

He would kill Umbridge, but be Harry, but at the same time, be Ron. Huzzah, Ron thought, Huzzah! HUZZAH!.. Enough Huzzahing. Ok. Here we go. Wait, how would Hary not see me while I'm him, Ron thought....Closet! Ok. Bottoms up. And with that he plugged his nose, (which doesn't do anything so I wouldn't reccommend doing it because you still taste it) and drank a tad bit of the Polyjuice Potion.


	2. Dolores

Chapter Two.

See my "I do not own Harry Potter" note at Chapter One.

_Recently on... Back Stabbing Cold Blooded Imposter Gangsta _

Random Flashes of Ron

"Bottoms Up"

Ron drank the Polyjuice Potion and became Harry Potter. Then he walked around and then walked into Umbridge's office.

"Do you have a reservation?" A high pitched voice squeaked.

Ron opened the door, and said as following:

"Oh yes, I do, and you do to. At the restaurant of AVADA KEDAVRA!!!"

After a little echo, Umbridge looked at Ron/Harry for a while.

"Ouch! You know, that really hurt Harry....You see, next time, you have to aim for my head, or maybe, ME!"

"Damn it Dolores"

"avada Kedavra."

The expression "dead" here means, "the live being sucked out of you". Im afraid this is what happened to chubby and squeaky voice Umbridge. Actually, Im not afraid. She deserves it.

I WILL GIVE THE FIRST PERSON WHO REVIEWS AN AWARD.


	3. Mom and Dada

please review. --------------------- 

I do not own Harry Potter in any way, sort, kind, or form, dimensionally, physically, absentmindedly, mentally, or with my telekinetic powers. I do not own any Harry Potter substance contained within the books. In other words, I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER, AND MY NAME IS NOT J.K ROWLING .

I WILL POST YOUR NAME FOR THE NEXT FIVE PEOPLE THAT REVIEW FOR ME. (Includes lyrics of Black Friday Rule by Flogging Molly and Mary had a Little Lamb by: ??? neither of which I own. My name is neither Flogging, Molly, Flogging Molly, or ??? Also, Jon Philipeenolakadakaneeneechoocoo is not real, but I own him.Same goes with Momma has a baby!)

Thank you to Insanity something something Owl for reviewing! A complimentary chocolate for you!

Chapter 3: MOM and DADA

"Oh yeah! Im so clever and cool and collected or however that phrase goes." said Ron/Harry (He turning back into Ron after such a long hour). Now how will Harry respond to that!, he thought, ho ho ho, I just killed Umbridge. No, Harry did! Ha Ha, HE won't find out till there's Fudge here, taking Harry away!

ONE HOUR LATER

Harry was awoken at once by Fudge.

"Good Morning." He said to Fudge.

"Good Night. _STUPEFY!" Fudge yelped._

_About 10 minutes Later after Fudge had to have a pit stop._

On the way to the Ministry of Magic by Muggle car, Harry was laying down in the back seat taking up all three seats, and he started to sing.

"I want to believe in myself once again

So I dream of a man whose hopes never end " Harry started.

Fudge jumped and looked at Harry apart from the road, and started to nearly swerve into the opposite lane.

"Isn't that a Muggle song?"

"Yep."

"Interesting. Continue. I think I know how it goes."

Fudge started pounding on the dashboard to imitate a drum beat.

"To kiss with a girl who's as lovely as you

I'd give you my heart, if you gave me the truth " Harry continued, and paused.

"Keep going" said Fudge. "I'm getting rather, how do you hip kids say it, into it!"

Harry continued...for the rest of the song...partially. (A/N and if you dont like this part, I would skip ahead because this song is seven minutes long.)

"And for every tear that is lost from an eye

I'd dig me a well where no man could destroy

I want to believe in a freedom that's bold

But all I remember is the freedom of old

Well I lost me a wife, so I found me a plane

Flew all the way to California

This mess in my head is a mess getting out

Ya drink too much coffee, I drink too much stout

But after a while, when my mouth's not so dry

I'll dance up a storm, sure life's looking fine

But as darkness falls, I return to my bed

Don't ask me more questions" Harry suddenly stopped.

"CONTINUE DAMMIT!"

"Yes sir. don't fuck with my head-"

"Im not! And don't use that kind of Parseltongue with me boy."

"That's the song. You told me to sing-"

"Sing it! We have a while before we get there. About 3 minutes."

"I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

Like thousands of people, left standing in their shoe

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

As thousands they grieve, as the Black Friday rule

The buildings they shake but my heart it beats still

Oh mother of Jesus, I feel pretty ill

I want to go home where my feet both feel safe

But there ain't no jobs in the old free state

So I must remain in my new adopted land

I'm doing the best, Hell I'm doin' all I can

So next time you see me, don't ask for my name

For I am the King and sure long may I reign

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

Like thousands of people, left standing in their shoe

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

As thousands they grieve, as the Black Friday rule

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

Like thousands of people, left standing in their shoe

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

As thousands they grieve, as the Black Friday rule"

"Continue!"

"It's over!"

"No it's not." said Fudge, who entered 62442 and walked in still making the drum beat stamping his feet.

Harry ignored him and took the stickie badge and stuck it upon him.

**Harry Potter**

** Mad Man**

"What?!?" Harry yelled.

"Face the facts buddy boy."

Harry entered the Ministry of Magic with paper airplanes flying everywhere. Harry thought they didn't do much work around here.

People then saw Harry and saw his badge and started to fold their work papers to run them into him. Harry then met Grawp. He was going to be the Minister of Magic next year, but Harry did not know Grawp because this is A.U. So he just ran away.

He followed the Minister down a couple thousand flights of stairs and Fudge was still humming the Muggle song. Finally, they got down to a room with Harry didn't remember from the Pensieve because this is A.U. HArry sat down next to Fudge and Fudge moved opposite him. Harry sat down next to him again and Fudge sat where he was supposed to again, but then Harry sat there. Fudge stood up and said "Stay" and walked to where he wasn't supposed to sit. After about Five minutes of listening to Fudge hum the song, people rushed in all at once.

Fudge stood up. "Court Adju--"

"Hey Brownie man-"

"It's Cornelious Fudge!"

"Corn Brownie got it. Who named you? A glutton?"

The crowd laughed.

"GET OUT OF MY SEAT!" Fudge demanded.

"SMELLY!"

"Pardon me?

"You're a SMELLY DRUNKEN PIRATE!" Harry replied defiantly.

The crowd laughed again.

"Get out of my seat now." Fudge said.

"Yeep!" Harry sat in Fudge's recent seat.

After Fudge getting into his regular seat, the meeting on Harry's "murder" began.

"We have looked up on our database and saw that the last curse used on Ronald Weasley's wand was the Avada Kedavra. However, witnesses tell us that Harry Potter was lurking around Hogwarts castle last night. So according to our studies, we believe Harry Potter was tricking us to believe that Ronald Wesley have done the crime. "

"Polyjuice" Harry said.

"Bless you" Fudge said politely, "So, we are currently waiting for the next 20 minutes for Ronald to come.

" In the mean time, Harry has a Muggle song to share with us. Fudge told Harry to stand up and sing with his hands.

Harry stood stunned for a second then broke into song.

"_Mary had a little lamb,_

_Little Lamb, _

_Little Lamb!_

_Ma--"_

"No no no no no!" Fudge said overreacting, "Here- I'll sing it: Orange Thursday Rule! I dont know the muggle crap! Ooh!"

**20 MINUTES LATER AFTER BOREDOM OF THE BROWNIE MAN'S WORDS**

Ronald Weasley of Privet- Excuse me I mean- Ronald Weasley of the Burrow had just walked in. Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please give a warm welcome and a round of applause for Contestant Number One.

"Hey Scarface!"

"Hey R- Quoi ( Translations for Ghetto People: WTF mate?)?"

"Nevermind. Hey Fudgey! Gimme some of that skin!"

"Er- Hello Ronald." Fudge said and shook his hand, "Would you care to take a seat?"

"I would." Ron said nodding at Fudge.

The Minister took a seat and looked as though he looked rather important. Not that he was.

"We have some important business to discuss. Boys, would you come with me?"

The immature crowd said "OOOH!" One man yelled loudly something rather strange, it sounded like "he's going to rake them.", and everybody laughed ever so loudly. To me the quote did not make very much sense for I, sleep in libraries, and have tried to look up what he meant. I decided to test it out. I walked up to a prep and said " I want to rake you" and she slapped me. don't have a "prevented" mind. HAHAHA. Nerdy Kids. They don't get it hahaha. Stupid. Prevente-- never mind. But however I did have to slit a few thr---THIS PART OF THE STORY HAS BEEN CANCELLED IT WILL BE REPLACED WITH A DIFFERENT STORY UNTIL THE INAPPROPRIATE PART IS OVER FOR OUR YOUNGER READERS. WHEN GOING BACK TO THE STORY THER WILL BE a SIGNAL. THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE STORY THERE WILL BE MOMMA HAS A BABY DURING INAPPROPRIATE PARTS, the signal will appear.

Momma has a baby!

by: Jon Philipeenolakadakaneeneechoocoo

Momma had to go to the hospital today. She said something about being raped. I would have never thought of that. Scarface and the Red-Haired Boy walked through the door holding hands.

" Oh yes and the new Defense Against the Dark Art Teacher is Tom Marvolo Riddle....just to make the story suspensful"

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Contestant Number Two.

This has been co-anchor TheBlackKeys reporting, thank you for watching our evening broadcast, and good night.. 


	4. The Verdict

Disclaimer : I do not own the Harry Potter series, the world, galaxy, or universe contained within J.K Rowling's pages, and mind. Another thing I do not own is They're Coming To Take Me Away By : Napoleon XIV, and Black Friday Rule By : Flogging Molly (Just one last time :D)

Chapter Four : The Verdict

« Tea for Two I presume ? » Fudge asked the two boys, one wearing glasses the other red hair.

« Yes'm » Ron said.

« Madam ? ! » Fudge asked with a slight, almost fake laugh.

« Yes'm »

« Tea. Right. Ok. »

After about three minutes of boiling water for their peppermint tea, Fudge stood and made their tea. He added something, but Ron nor Harry could tell. A blueberry muffin for Harry and a buttermilk biscuit for Ron were also served on plates with borders of blue and red ribbons, with a green turtle on the middle.

« You understand I have been very rude to you boys today, so I've made you a tad bit of a snack. Bon Appetit ! » Fudge said this with a casual smile on his face.

« What did you add earlier to the tea ? » Harry asked.

« Nothing ? Why ? What are you talking about ? Nothing ! » Fudge stated clearly pronouncing his vowels and constanents clearly.

« We saw you add something. » said Harry thinking it could be Veritaserum, which Dumbledore gave to his Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher in his fourth year.

« No. I did not add anything. Now eat your snack or I shall throw it away. » Fudge said suddenly with complete anger.

« Yes'm »

Harry pulled out a rather large syringe with white powder inside and added it to the muffin and tea. He knew that sugar made Veritaserum the exact opposite.

« What was that ? »

« Oh, well I added a little flavor. »

Fudge pondered.

And pondered.

And pondered a little more. He pondered till his eyes bulged out and then his brain grew bore.

« I'm bored. » said Fudge's brain.

« I know you are. » said Fudge's thoughts speaking to Fudge's brain which is pretty much like his brain talking to himself.

He pondered just a tad bit more until suddenly….

Until suddenly, he asked them a question.

« Harry !?YA KILL UMBRIDGE ? »

« Yes I did. » Harry said actually having the Veritaserum work on him, but with him telling lies.

« Did you add sugar to your muffin and tea Harry ? »

« No, I didn't. »

Fudge pondered just a tad bit more, luckily, he stopped right before he almost died of pondering.

« Harry James Potter, you may leave, thank you for your time. You may wait in the room through that door. The bathroom is in the back. We are still working on walls, so the donation box is on the opposite side of the room next to the sweat room, which is next to our offices, which is next to the fitness room, which it right next to the bathroom. »

« Yes sir. » Harry said somewhat sadly.

« Ron, did you murder former Professor of Defense Against The Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizradry, who was recently a ministry witch, special assistant to Minsister of Magic, who is me, and who I assigned Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher when Dumbledore was having trouble looking for someone to fill in the position after who was supposedly Mad-Eye Moody, but turned out to be Bartemius « Barty » Crouch, Jr. who is a pale young boy with straw-coloured hair, who became part of the Death Eaters, tortured the Longbottoms for information, because they were Aurors, but were caught, sent to Azkaban, who was rescued by his mother who convinced his father to allow her to change places with the boy because she was dying, went to Azkaban, took the Polyjuice Potion, to make her look like her son, and gave him the Polyjuice Potion, so that he could become her, and then went on to become Defense Against The Arts Of The Dark Powers Which Lurk Around What Could Be The Room You Are In, The House In Which You Live, The Neighborhood Where you are, The Town, The Country, The Entire World, The Entire Galaxy, The Entire Universe where Dark Arts Are, And Are Ready To Strike You And Send You Through Pain Class, Otherwise known as Defense Against The Dark Arts class, which at the next year, a woman came, first becoming Hogwarts High Inquisitor and eventually would become headmistress then have a class turn against her forming a different session during that year entitled Dumbledore's Army, in which they preform advanced magic and that Harry James Potter taught, finally, be attacked by Centaurs and be rescued by Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Albus Dumbledore, but didn't because this story is AU, and I cannot handle the suspense any longer saying I am finally running out of my breath in my elephant-sized lung capacity, the woman named Delores Jane Umbridge. »

« Yes I did. But no, I did not need to hear her life story in one sentence. » Ron said with an expression-less face after gulping down a sip of the peppermint tea. His eyes were peering nowhere.

« Come with me. » Fudge said. He backed up his chair, but first did something with Ronald Weasley's tea leaves, « It appears you have the Grim, my boy. »

As Ronald Weasley stood and turned the golden finger-printed vibrating doorknob, he suddenly felt extremley light-headed. He then turned the doorknob and walked out into the room feeling extremely depressed until he saw Harry leading the entire Ministry of Magic in song.

« _I want to believe--- »_

« WAIT STOP ! WAIT WAIT WAIT ! ! ! » Harry was yelling, « LETS DO IT FOR THEM ! »

« ONE ! TWO ! ONE TWO THREE FOUR ! »

« _I want to believe in myself once again,_

_So I dream of a man whose hopes never end._

_To kiss with a girl who's as lovely as you,_

_I'd give you my heart if you gave me the truth._

_And for every tear that is lost from an eye,_

_I'd dig me a well that no many could destroy._

_I want to believe in a freedom that's bold,_

_But all I remember is the freedom of old._

_HEY !_

_Well I lost me a wife, but I found me a plane,_

_Flew all the way to Californeeia._

_This mess in my head is a mess getting out,_

_You drink too much coffee, I drink too much stout._

_But after a while, when my mouth's not so dry, »_

(A/N : I know how to spell California, that's how they pronounce it in the song.)

After the part of the song was over, the crowd had something else to share before Ron had left for Azkaban.

« OK ! OK ! OK ! » Harry exclaimed, after the cheering had died down, « We have another presentation, and it is of Albus…DUMBLEDORE ! He will be doing a breakdance for us. With the help of a random guy doing random beats in his own random way. »

Albus Dumbledore, and another six foot tall man next to him with a paper bag over his head with two holes for eyes and a big black quiestion mark printed on the bag, suddenly, the old man started doing flips in the air and on the ground more than about 99 per second. Soon, he exploded and died. His still beating heart flew into Harry's head, which made him temporarily blind.

« I have terrible news for you. » Fudge told everbody, addressing them as « you », « Ronald's Weasley's guilty of killing The former Defense Against the Dark Art teacher, Hogwarts High ---»

« We don't need to know her life story ! » Ron yelled at him.

« Fine, then. Ron's just going to Azkaban, no biggie. »

……gasps and whispers and murmurs and gasps…. Then Ron left for Azkaban.

_«Remember when you ran away, _

_And I got on my knees _

_And begged you not to leave,_

_Because I'd go beserk ? _

_Well you left me anyhow,_

_And then the days got worse and worse,_

_And now you see I've gone,_

_Completely out of my mind !_

_And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa_

_They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha-haaa_

_To the Funny Farm !_

_Where life is beautiful all the time_

_And I'll be happy to see those nice young men _

_In their clean white coats,_

_And they're coming to take me away ha haaa !_

_You thought it was a joke, _

_And so you laughed,_

_You laughed when I said _

_That losing you would make you flip my lid,_

_Right ?You know you laughed_

_I heard you laugh. You laughed_

_You laughed and laughed and then you left_

_But now you know I'm utterly mad_

_And they're coming to take me away ha haa_

_They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha ha_

_To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds_

_And basket weavers who twiddle their thumbs and toes_

_And they're coming to take me away ha haa ! »_

When Ron had left, the music started joyfully again. It was as though they hadn't cared. Even Harry. Next time he saw Harry he was going toready to go to the land of teddy bears, daffodils, and lollipops are just a few of Sophie's Favourite Things ! Tomorrow we are going to go with her on a murder in a cold dark night in cold blood. Yes ! Yes HAHAH ! ! ! Ron laughed madly.

_« I cooked your food._

_I cleaned your house._

_And this is how you pay me back_

_For all my kind, unselfish, loving deeds, _

_HA ! Well you just wait_

_They'll find you yet and when they do,_

_They'll put you in the A.S.P.C.A_

_You mangy mutt. » _

When Ron had FINALLY left, and the Irish Music started again.But first Harry had to leave. Fudge, the muggle way, put a blanket over him and gave him cocoa, and he stepped into his carriage shaped as a pumpkin, and went all the way to the ball with Prince Charming--- I mean Hogwarts with the Brownie Man.

_« And they're coming to take me away ha haa !_

They're coming to take me away ha ha ho ho hee hee 

_To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time,_

_And I'll be happy to see those nice young men_

_In their clean white coats ! »_

When Ron had FINALLY FINALLY left, he had a strange feeling of happiness as though he might get out of prison to be with Harry and Hermione and Hogwarts once again. After all the madness and suffering he will have to go through and then after decades of punishment he will be set free in his elder years. And It will be fun ! Happy People Everywhere and daisies blooming in green pastures in the meadow !

« _And they're coming to take me away,_

_To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds,_

_And basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes,_

_And they're coming to take me away ha haa ! »_

_Chapter Five Preview :_

Ron goes to Azkaban

Harry goes to Hogsmeade.

Hermione goes to the Time Turner.

Tune in next time for Back Colded Blood Stabbing Gangsta Imposter !

Yay ! I made a mistake !

REVIEW ! REVIEW ! REVIEW REVIEW ! ! ! !


	5. Azkaban

I do not own the Harry Potter universe.Or the books.

I do not own Fight Club. Which I reference.

Chapter Five : Azkaban

Ron had left to Azkaban with two cheermentors, which are the exact opposite of dementors. They were orange and happy happy faces and muggles saw them, except for all of them. Azkaban was dirty. And messy. And dirty. He had a roommate. Who was dirty. He claimed he teddy bears ! and murdered 26 people in one day. He then looked at Ronald, who was singing to the cheermentors and suddenly stopped, and looked at the man and heard when he said.

« Boy ! On your knees ! »

Sophie learned to walk today ! We caught it on daddy's video camera. She had her first food after her ribs almost came out of her skin for 6 months. It was peas. After 6 months of starvation, she ate saliva was curving around Ron's mouth disgusted with what he just did. A man was yelling outside his cabin at Ron. His roommate was pulling up his pants.

SCENE CHANGE

Harry walked into Hogsmeade with great pride and dignity when suddenly Filch said, « may I see your slip for hogmeade BOY ? ? ? »

Harry handed him the signed paper and looked at when it said.

Heerie ! Heerie ! I give this boy Harry Potter permission to go to Hogsmeade.

My name is :

X.Sirius Black.

« Sirius Black eh ? »

« Eh ? »

« Eh ? »

« Eh ? »

« Eh ? »

« Yes. »

« I see. Acomplice. »

« No no no no no no no no. Accomplice. »

« Ok »

Harry walked through Hogsmeade skipping cheerfully around the cobblestone town like an idiot. Then suddenly, as Hermione came forward in time, ran into Harry. She was waring glasses because it was A.U. Her voice was that of a nerdy idiot's.

« I just stopped the great Muggle-Wizarding War ! »

« What ? »

« Oh. Right. Yeah, » Hermione said dumbfoundly nerdily idiotly, « Ron's in Azkaban. I visited a couple times. »

« He left yesterday. » Harry said.

« Time Travel. Oh, and jeez- you wouldn't believe his mate. » Hermione replied.

« Let's go do the hero thing, and save him ! » Harry replied.

« Just like I would say what you were doing if this wasn't A.U ! » Hermione said throwing an insult at Harry.

« Yep. Let's see that Time-Turner. »

Just as the golden chain which is coincidentally long enough for two people went around them, they went back 1 minute. BOM BOM BOOOOOOOOOOM.

Harry was in Hogsmeade, but it was empty. Then, he ran to Azkaban. He ran. He ran until his muscles burned and his veins hit acid.Then he ran some more. Soon, he got to Azkaban. And hid behind a bush with the nerd.

« Stay here. Im going to do that hero thing. »

« Righto man. Righto. » Hermione said looking like Trelawney. She put her legs out in front of her and her hands behind her head and looked up at the sihouetted trees covering the shining moon.

Righto, Harry thought, Righto.

A hero theme was going through the hero's head.

The hero's wand was out in front of him.

The hero was very hero-like.

The hero was ready to kick some major dementor ass.

Hero Harry walked slowly. He soon found the small circled brick houses with dementors and cheermentors wondering around. He remembered Ron's Azkaban number that nobody told him. 1109. 1109. 1109. He walked around he saw 1100, which meant Harry was luckily close to Ron's brick cabin. 1103. 1104. 1105.1106. Where was it ? Was it close ? Was it far ? Why couldn't Harry remember he was only three places away ?

1107. 1108. 1109. Eww. Disgusting. Who is in there ? Oh my god Ron ! « Roooooooon ! » Ohmigod ! Jesus Sophie Christ ! Hero Harry fainted. Dementor was coming.A lady was screaming as everything went pitch black. The woman was yelling.

« Oh ! James ! Oh ! JAMES ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh !Harry ! Oh ! »

Ahhhh !

Jeez.

What a perverted world we live in.

Harry was being smacked my Lupin who suddenly appeared.

« Chocolate ? »

« Yessir. »

Harry grumbled down the chocolate. Then Lupin dissappeared.

He had to open Ron's cabin.

« Aloho-

He fainted again.

Again the woman was yelling and screaming and ooooohhing and aaaaaahing but..

Yeah.

He awoke and Lupin was there again.

« Chocolate ! »

« Yessir. »

He grumbled hown the chocolate as Lupin Left.

_« EXPECTO PATRONU-_

Wait. This is A.U. He doesn't know this. Rewind.

« Alohomora ! »

The cage opened, but a hooded dementor came again, and Harry fainted once more. Darkness. Woman yelling. Etc.

He awoke once more and a hairy rapist was there.

« Poo ? »

« Ahh ! »

Harry ran with Ron, who was going through purberty, and had a beard after one day.

They soon found Hermione and snuck back into Hogwarts only for more problems to begin. Where do we go ? What do they do ? How do they accomplish this ? And How ? Well, soon, after they saw Lucious Malfoy was headmaster, who indeed was a murderer himself, possibly wouldn't care of any crime breaking son of a bitch that tried to enter Hogwarts.

« Harry ? » Ron started.

« Yeah ? » Harry asked. They held hands. There suddenly was a giant explosion as Hogwarts fell to the ground.

« I hate you. » Ron said. There was a distant explosion.

« Why ? You framed me. You're a Back Stabbing Cold Blooded Imposter Gangsta Yo. »

« I know. »

Another explosion. Suddenly, there was a giant electric shock in the bay and the giant squid and the mermaids fell to the top.

They all hugged as there was one final explosion, and Ron and Harry hugged.

Tomorrow on Back : Harry goes back to the start because of Lord Voldemort…and ends up making a really really big mistake.


	6. Time Travel Mistake

I do not own any Harry Potter related material or just plain Harry Potter except for my fanfiction.

I do not own Fanfiction…except for mine.

I do not own «This is the End » By : The Doors. (not of the story)

I do not own Pokemon.

REVIEW ! PLEASE !FLAMES ARE WELCOME THANK YOU INSANITY SOMETHING SOMETHING OWL !

Chapter Six : Time Travel Mistake

I hate Voldemort. I hate Voldemort. I hate Voldemort. That stupid ass. I should kill him, Harry was thinking, He takes over Defense Against The Dark Arts. I would make a separate class for Defense Against the Dark Arts, but this is A.U., and plus I can't because Umbridge is dead. I just want to make this story that I don't know I'm in angsty. And maybe if somebody read Time Travel, they would read it. But, I'm pretty sure I'm not in any story…like Fanfiction….

_« This is the end _

_Beautiful friend _

_This is the end _

_My only friend, the end »_

END OF HARRY'S STRANGE THOUGHTS

After the many bombings after going back in time, he was in a new Hogwarts made since the time you read the past chapter. Harry pranced around like an idiot looking for Hermione with the Time-Turner which she shouldn't have because in the third year she quit Divination, but she didn't in this case because this is A.U.

_« Of our elaborate plans, the end _

_Of everything that stands, the end _

No safety or surprise, the end 

_I'll never look into your eyes...again _

_Can you picture what will be _

_So limitless and free _

_Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand _

_In a...desperate land _

_Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain _

_And all the children are insane _

_All the children are insane _

_Waiting for the summer rain, yeah »_

He pranced around and walked up into the girl's dormintory, but was stopped by a bunch of preps who screamed and giggled frantically.

_« There's danger on the edge of town _

_Ride the King's highway, baby _

_Weird scenes inside the gold mine _

_Ride the highway west, baby _

_Ride the snake, ride the snake _

_To the lake, the ancient lake, baby _

_The snake is long, seven miles _

_Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold _

_The west is the best _

_The west is the best _

_Get here, and we'll do the rest »_

« HERMIONE ! I NEED YOU FOR A SECOND » Harry yelled« HELLO »

Hermione came nerdily down the stairs.

« Whaddya want »

« Time Tur- I mean would you like to have some tea and cookies with Ron and I »

« Sure. » Hermione winked. For some reason she was moving her robes up.

« Oh yes and bring nothing that goes back in time. You know, like the Time-Turner you don't have. »

« Right. Let's go. »

« No. God. » Harry was stressed out. Poor guy. «Get the goddamn Time-Turner Hermione. »

« Ok Mr. Grumpy Frumpy. Turn that frown upside down. And let's go back in—I mean go get some tea and cookies. »

_« The blue bus is callin' us _

_The blue bus is callin' us _

_Driver, where you taken' us _

_The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on _

_He took a face from the ancient gallery _

_And he walked on down the hall _

_He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he _

_Paid a visit to his brother, and then he _

_He walked on down the hall, and _

_And he came to a door...and he looked inside _

_Father, yes son, I want to kill you _

_Mother...I want to...fuck you »_

«Hermione. Just get the lollipops, bubble gum, and she hates cinnimin sticks, did I spell that correctly ? oh well, and Spohie is just crazy about popcorn. She could eat popcorn all day and all the time ecspecially when we go on a time travelling trip. Ok ? Just go get it. » Hermione was staring at Harry. What were these profanity subsitutes he was using to blackmail Hermione Granger into going back in time to kill their Defense Against The Dark Arts Teacher.

« _C'mon baby, take a chance with us _

_C'mon baby, take a chance with us _

_C'mon baby, take a chance with us _

_And meet me at the back of the blue bus _

_Doin' a blue rock _

_On a blue bus _

_Doin' a blue rock _

C'mon, yeah » 

She did it anyway.

She got the time turner, gave it to Harry, and then yelled« RON ! LETS GO GET SOME ECLAIRS THAT YOU HATE BECAUSE THIS IS A.U »

« OK »

« I CLAIM TICKLING THE PEAR WE DON'T KNOW WE ARE SUPPOSED TO TICKLE BECAUSE THIS IS A.U »

« OK »

Ron came zipping up his pants and buttoning his shirt quickly, as though he had just done something supisiously having to do with his pants and shirt. Harry put the golden necklace around his neck, and then menacing gangstas came up saying it was a medallion and tried to steal it but he went back in time.

MEANWHILE, IN 1945…

Harry was at Hogwarts, and Dumbledore was still alive. And so was Hagrid, and Voldemort, and Hagrid's satanic pets.

« Check this out Tommy » Hagrid said, Harry saw, seeing Hagrid run up the hall« I have a Flesh-Eating Bacteria that grows up to be a Snickledore and then a Hugglenuggleshockbeeniebobopittledittlenittleshitface ! Isn't Wizarding Pokemon fun »

« It's just a blast. Ok ? So, I have to go do some dark evil stuff like frame you saying your little creature opened the Chamber of Secrets. Ok »

Harry didn't feel like hesitating.

«_Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill »_

« AVADA KEDAVRA »

Then Voldemort died.

After the words, Harry was about to go forward in time, but figured he couldn't and then died because he was related to Voldemort rather strangely.

_« This is the end _

Beautiful friend 

_This is the end _

_My only friend, the end _

_It hurts to set you free _

_But you'll never follow me _

_The end of laughter and soft lies _

_The end of nights we tried to die _

_This is the end »_

This is the end. Of this chapter. Hehehe. Suckers. Hey Ryan.

Next chapter : Chapter Seven. Fear of the (Try to guess what it is hohoho. Im laughing you damn pervs.)

MOM has new fear instead of Voldemort, now that he is dead.

MOM has a new Sirius Black, now that Harry is dead, and couldn't stop Ron from killing Voldemort.

MOM enhances security for Azkaban.

MOM sends out hit men to look for Ron.

MOM, MOM, MOM, it's all about MOM !

And no it is not fear of the MOM.


	7. Fear of the House Elf

I do not own Harry Potter.

I do not own Joe 90, or any of their songs, like "Drive" (which will be in _italic_) the song has nothing to do with the story, and I just like it...so...yeah...

I do not own "A Beautiful Mind" which I reference.

Chapter the Seventh: Fear of the House-Elf.

After whatever happened in the past chapter...like Voldemort dead...and Harry..who couldn't save Ron from Azkaban so, he's still there...the Ministry of Magic had to have a fear of something to make people afraid, and since Voldemort was dead, they used House-Elves. Many of the rooms in Azkaban were full, then empty because of beheadings..so yeah...however, as you will notice, that the Daily Prophet...you know, that lying scumbag owned newspaper full of lies.

_"_

_Bigger more powerful _

_And yet nobody knows_

_Let's not forget to discuss_

_All of the freeloads"_

That day, Hermione's owl named William Holden (don't ask) swooped down onto her breakfast table as the Daily Prophet fell into her hands.

_"_

_Here is the car you drive_

_The window is open wide_

_Many nice folks suggest_

_That we go for a drive_

_Time doesn't know_

_What its time for us all to know"_

She opened and read:

**Page One: New Fashion Tips for your Owl!**

**Page Two: More Fashion Tips for your Owl!**

**Page Three: Fashion Tips for your Frog!**

**Page Four: More Reasons to Hate House-Elves**

**Page Five: TheBlackKeys: Oh No He Didn't!**

**Page Six: Ronald Weasley: The Interview of the Century**

**Page Seven: Fashion Tips For Your Kangaroo!**

Hermione Granger turned to page four, and took at number 817493:

**House Elves Are Stupid.**

Then 817494:

**They Smell Bad.**

Then 817495:

**House Elves hate Billy Wilder.**

(don't ask)

Hermione turned two more pages and saw Ron with a long beard like the one Dumbledore has...but he was dead so...

he didn't matter...stupid son of a humhmm...

_"_

_I like a yellow shirt_

_And I like orange shades_

_I like your green suede shoes_

_And all the sweaters you made_

_Here is the car you drive_

_The window is open wide_

_Many nice folks suggest_

_That we go for a drive_

_Time doesn't know_

_What its time for us all to know"_

Hermione turned to page six, and saw Ronald. He was in a cell, and he looked into the eyes of Hermione. He had a piece of paper in his hand, he wrote something on it with a big black permenant marker, and pointed it towards Hermione.

"**HERMIONE? WHY MUST YOU SUCK SO BADLY"**

As the new Sirius Black, Hermione was terrified. Mortified. Petrified. Stupified By You. She read the interview:

**The Daily Prophet: Is it true you killed a woman?**

**Ronald Weasley: No.**

**TDP: Ok..How did you do it?**

**RW: I didn't kill anybody.**

**TDP: OK..What did you not not do?**

**RW: What?**

**TDP: We can tell you are confused.**

**RW: What the- **

**TDP: Did you not kill anybody?**

**RW: I did not kill anybody.**

**TDP: Say that again, except change the I do not do I'd.**

**RW: I'd kill anybody?**

**TDP: You heard it hear first folks. Ronald Weasley would kill anybody.**

**RW: What?**

_"_

_Escape from the crowd_

_Escape from the dark_

_Escape from East Berlin_

_Escape from the planet Earth_

_Escape from the Planet of the Apes"_

Hermione set aside the paper and stared at William Holden. He was dead. Her breakfast was all gone and her ear was bleeding because William was gnawing on it. She was also having her period. But that doesn't matter. She knew she should have gotten that Gloria Swanson owl.(don't ask)

_" Here is the car you drive_

_The window is open wide_

_Many nice folks suggest_

_That we go for a drive_

_Time doesn't know_

_What its time for us all to know_

_We don't know nothing, nobody,_

_No one at all"_


	8. The Night Bus

I don't own Harry Potter which is by J.K Rowling.

I don't own the song "10 Cents a Dance" By: Ruth Etting. (**bold**)

I don't own the song "Love Me or Leave Me" By: Ruth Etting. (_italic)_

I don't own the song "This is the End" By: The Doors.

I don't own the phrase "Drunken Lullabies" (which is Flogging Molly's I think.)

Thank you to all who reviewed! And pre-thank you to those you might review soon!

Chapter 8: The Night Bus

and... action!

Hermione thought how cool Ron used to be, until he turned into Hobo Weasley. With the orange hair down to his shoulders and the beard growing down to dragging-on-the-ground-five-feet-behind stage, he was just Mr. Hobo Hairy. I mean..he's not Harry Potter, but if he was people at school would call him Hairy Potter. Poor kid. Hermione had to save him, going back in time for the thousandth time.

**" Ten cents a dance, that's what they pay me**

**Gosh, how they weigh me down**

**Ten cents a dance, pansies and rough guys**

**Tough guys who tear my gown"**

Hermione then thought about how cool Harry used to be. But no, he had to go kill himself.. and the entire heritage of Voldemort down to now. Here was the plan:

Save Harry and end up resurrecting Voldemort.

Get to Ron, get him out of Jail.

Take the Night Bus back to Hogwarts.

(Yes, Night Bus. It's A.U)

Perfect.

She put the golden necklace on and her hands crept to the end. The object on the end was night the time turner, it was a medallion.

She put the time turner on as well, but ended up severly cutting her veins wide open to let blood pour through. She was extremely sensitive. She didn't care. Only a little cut.

She went back in time.

**"**

**Seven to midnight I hear drums**

**Loudly the saxophone blows**

**Trumpets are tearing my eardrums**

**Customers crush my toes"**

She was in 1944.

The time was 4:56 p.m

She was in Hogwarts.

She saw Harry.

She saw Hagrid.

She saw Voldy.

"This is the End" By the Doors was playing somewhere.

then came

_"_kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill_"_

Harry didn't hesitate.

"AVADA K-"

Hermione watched. and watched. then, in slooooooow motion she ran to stop Harry.

She jumped in mid air.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

She tackled Harry.

Hagrid and Voldy were silently staring at them.

They walked away.

Harry and Hermione went foward in time.

Simple enough.

**"Sometimes I think I've found my hero**

**But it's a queer romance**

**All that you need is a ticket**

**Come on, big boy, ten cents a dance! "**

Hermione was still in Hogwarts.

It was 1997, and she ran to Azkaban by way of Hogsmeade.

She and Harry ran untill their hearts gave out...nearly...

She saw cheermentors and dementors everywhere.

"Harry, I think you should stay here. Don't try to do that "hero thing". Now I'm going to go save Ron, and avoid

the dementors. Wish me Luck."

"Bye"

"Good bye. I hope I see you once again fair friend" said Hermione in a manly voice. She put mud on herself.

"I shall use my non heroistic technique."

"Righto man..Righto"

As she left he began to sing a drunken lullaby.

_" This affair is killin' me_

_I can't stand uncertainly_

_Tell me now I've got to know_

_Whether you want me to stay or to go"_

Hermione put on a dramatic act, and got out of it quickly, being scared by the dementors and all..

She ran toward Ron's cabin.

He was giggling franticly for no certain reason at all.

Hermione didn't hesitate.

"ALOHOMORA!"

The cage opened.

"FREE!"

"Indeed. We all see the hero of this quagmire."

"Me!"

"Yes..me..." said Hermione conceitedly looking at her fingernails.

She grabbed Ron and they both ran with Harry to the nearest corner.

Soon the Night Bus came, strangely, like Hermione's plan.

Easy as pie.

_"Love me or leave me_

_Or let me be lonely_

_You won't believe me, I love you only_

_I'd rather be lonely_

_Then happy with someone else_

_You might find the night time_

_The right time for kissin'_

_But night time is my time_

_For just reminiscin'_

_Regrettin' instead of forgettin'_

_With somebody else"_

She and Harry and Ron shared a bed with a fat man.

The beds weren't hammered to the ground, so they were flying everywhere.

Harry and Ron started having a conversation with Ernie, Stan and the Shrunken Head.

"So..did you hear anything more about House-Elf sightings? Our buddy here just got out of Azkaban, and his roommate was one."

"Disgusting creatures" Ron said.

"You just got outta 'zkaban?"

"Jah!" Ron said.

"You killed a man!" said Ernie.

"Woman"

"Still!"

"Ernie!" said the Shrunken Head. "Turn around man!"

"We're nearly at Hog Warts Hog Warts Hoggy Hoggy Warts Warts"

"Oh crap man!" said the Shrunken Head.

"STUPEFY!" yelled Ernie.

"AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry yelled.

Hermione was tired. She had enough resurrecting and saving for the day.

They suddenly hit a gigantic what looked like a fox in the road.

Then they got to Hogwarts, and Harry went with the Ministry for questioning.

He was then lynched.

Not as easy...

_"There'll be no one_

_Unless that someone is you_

_I intend to be independently blue_

_I want your love_

_But I don't want to borrow_

_To have it today to give it back tomorrow_

_For your love is my love_

_There's no love for nobody else"_

Oh Im waiting for more reviewers...


	9. Oh Shit!

I do not own the Buzzcocks, or their songs, like, "Oh Shit!".

I do not own the J.K Rowling, or her books, like, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

I do not own the William Golding, or his books, like, Lord of the Flies.

I do not own the Cheat t shirt yet, beacause HR is too slow.

I do not own Aladdin, but I do own the reference. I think... I dunno...Maybe not...

I do not own The Twilight Zone.

I do not own Homestar Runner.

I do not own Carnivale.

I do not own Shaun of the Dead.

This is Chapter Number the Eighth.

Please show me your undivided attention and read as follows, or thoust shall suffer serious consesuenses.

Thank you to all five reviewers, oh right I forgot! I don't have five reviewers.

Chapter Eight: Oh Shit!

_"There's rules, you give life, you gotta take it from somewhere else."_

_-Carnivale._

Ronald remembered Harry. Harry was now in Azkaban, biting off his liver as "a gift for the dementor," or something, he's probably gone totally Lord Of The Flies. Well, better stop before he starts on his testies.

"DONE AND DONE!" Harry yelled from Azkaban, which, after the explosions a few chapters before, was located right next to Hogwarts, to scare the little boys and girls, showing, that if they were bad, this is how they would end up. A liver-less drunkard making money off cocaine.

Where's Momma's Having A Baby when you need 'em?

Ron was astonished. How could Harry not get out? This is so dumb, Ron thought, you just bang your head against the wall a few thousand times, or climb over the bricks, saying that the builders are still working on every cabinhouse arena thingy mick bobber.

Ron had to save him.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!"

"KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN! USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE!"

"WHY? WE"RE OUTSIDE, WELL, YOU ARE."

"THE WORKERS WORKING HERE MIGHT HEAR US!"

"OH! HEY! WORKERS!"

He got their attention after saying "football". This was after many long periods of shouting. If you know what I mean.

"OH I SEE! YOUR JUST NOT GOING TO LOOK OOORR TALK TO ME!"

"WHAT?"

"DO YOU HAVE A PASSWORD?"

"HUH?

"BRICKS"

"HAMMER"

"AX"

"RA"

"ANUBIS"

"JACKHAMMER"

"SLEDGEHAMMER"

"STRONG BAD EMAIL"

"FLOGGING MOLLY"

"DAGGER"

"DAGGER TATTOO"

"CROOKED DAGGER"

"CROOKED TATTOO"

"TATTOO"

"CROOKED"

"CROOKED DAGGER TATTOO"

"FLESH CUTTING IS TATTOO MAKING"

"MAKING FLESH CUTTING IS A TATTOO"

"UH...JOCKS"

"PREPS"

"HOODRATS"

"WORD ASSOCIATION"

"DENIAL OF SELF ESTEEM"

"ENTOURAGE"

"CARNIVALE"

"SIX FEET UNDER"

"DEADWOOD"

"RYAN BOWDISH"

"PIMPLE WIMPLE"

"ZITS"

"CHECK YOUR EMAIL"

"THE ALTOS"

"PALO ALTO"

"PALO SOPRANO"

"PALO MALO"

"PALL THE MALL"

"OH MY GOD LET'S GO PALL THE MALL GIRLS!"

"WE MIGHT MEET A BOY!"

"HE MIGHT PLAY FOOTBALL!"

"What? What?"

The workers looked around. Who did all this talk of football? A worker rose and said,

"WHO DARE DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?"

"IT IS I, RON"

"MAKE IT DRAMATIC KID, RON WHAT?"

"Well, I will give you a handshake if you can guess my name"

"YOUR ON!"

"GOGO THE PANDA BEAR"

"CORRECT! A FABULOUS HANDSHAKE AND SHARING OF GERMS IS INCLUDED ON THIS WEEK'S "WHAT'S MY NAME!""

Later that day, after winning a free handshake with Mr. Gogo himself, Ron went back in time to save Harry, not telling you what the plan was, to have something scary.

_"Oh shit I thought you and I were friends_

_Oh shit I guess this is where our love ends_

_Oh shit I thought things were goin' well_

_But it hasn't turned out so swell_

_Has it_

_Oh shit"_

A FEW HOURS BEFORE...

You are now entering, the past zone.

do do do do do do do do do

Ronald Weasley of Number Four, The Burrow Drive, was indeed a lonely man, once he was so lonely, he wanted to take his name off the do not call list.

But sadly, this never followed through.

He evens goes back in time to save people from terrible disasters like killing their great grandfather, and end up killing themselves.

Hermione suddenly showed up, "Uh, Mr. Serling, I believe I saved Harry from that."

"Um..Ok, sure. Keep thinking that Hermione. Keep thinking you took a bullet from your partner."

"Quoiever" (Translation into English: Whatever!)

"Have you ever heard the quote, "Sex sells" ? Well, nevermind that quote right now.

Set in case Mr. Weasley, a common wizard, except with the greatest thing ever, a conversation piece, if you dare, a time turner." Rod Serling continued, but he saw Hermione coming up, and walked up to her, started doing his happy dance, licked her face, and ran away, never to be found again.

Some say that Hermione found him behind a dumpster with a large hoagie in his hand, an empty soda bottle in the other.

Some say he commit suicide. Some say they found him along Route 7 in everything but a suit in black and white, picking up cigarette butts with his teeth. Some say he became black, like Michael Jackson. I say we continue with the story, and then I can go get Dennis Casey's shoes, dance around like Dennis Casey yelling "IMA DONKEY! IMA DONKEY!" and go watch Citizen Kane and rent I Heart Huckabees, and get a chai tea, and run through a pumpkin patch with Homestar Runner, but no, I have to fininish. (hence the nin)

_" Oh shit pride comes before a fall_

_Oh shit and once you lose one you've lost them all_

_Oh shit I guess this time's the time_

_And it seem you're no longer mine_

_Don't it_

_Oh shit_

_Oh shit"_

LATER THAT DAY IN THE STORY...

Later that day in the story, Ron had to go farther back in time, to where, the duo and him were waiting for the Night Bus.

_" Oh shit I wish I'd known before now_

_Oh shit that you were such a cow_

_Oh shit I wouldn't've wasted my time_

_Oh shit chasin' somethin' which wasn't mine_

_Face it_

_You're shit_

_You're shit"_

Ron was very sedated now, and stood up, walking slowly towards Harry, moaning,

"Don't get on the bus, don't get on the bus"

But all Harry saw was, a chance to make fun of a zombie.

"dubbuadbuabbudabdubbbadubaba!"

"dont uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhbus"

"dubbuudbuabudbadubbbadubbbazippyaow!"

"get on the uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh bu-"

Harry went on to the bus with Hermione, and Ron...Ron...and Ron...

Ron didn't get on the bus. He was still acting like Mr. Wannasavemyfriendandbetheherobutican'tduetosedatedness.

He suddenly swept threw the phase because kids grow so fast, and he ran with the Night Bus, with big hopes and dreams, like a young Martin Luther King Jr.

Soon he had to resorting to jumping in front of the Night Bus for Ernie to see him, but Ernie jumped into fifth gear, and The Night Bus hit a very big bump...indeed.

" Oh shit I wish I'd known before now

Oh shit that you were such a fuckin' cow

Oh shit I wouldn't've wasted my time

Oh shit chasin' somethin' which could never be mine

Admit

You're shit

You're shit

You're shit

Admit admit

You're shit

You're shit

You're shit

You're shit

You're shit"

Oh no that's OK. You can review me. Go ahead. Do it. That's my child.


	10. Gift For The Dementor

I don't own anything you see here except for the plot.

The characters and settings as well, belong to J.K Rowling.

I do not own "Till The Morning Comes", which is Neil Young's.

I do not own The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

I do not own Reservoir Dogs.

I do not own Lord of the Flies.

Thank you for those who have reviewed

here it is:

Chapter 10: Gift for The Dementor

Hermione, again still the only one of the trio alive, sat down at the Great Hall tables, eating toast with marmalade and some peppermint tea. Her owl, (now Gloria Swanson owl species) swooped throw the windows of the Great Hall and ran straight into Neville Bigbottom. Because of a rapidly spreading disease called A.U, Neville was a giant bully and tore the owl to shreds.

"MOTHER !"

For no reason after, he just threw the owl at Hermione, took out his newspaper, and acted like nothing just happened at all. Hermione looked at the cadaver on the floor, and decided to act Mexicanly queer for the next 30 seconds.

"El Nina Gonzalez! Taco Enchilada! Burrrrrrrrrrito! YA YA YA YA YA!"

She looked at the Daily Prophet, and acted liked nothing just happened at all. On the front page was Harry, with a missing ear and walking around his still-being-made-cabin, which was easily escapeable, but Harry didn't seem to think this.

It was evening, and Harry suddenly looked at Hermione directly in the eyes. His hand, (which seemed to be his only) went through the gate that was already built there, and Harry raised his bony middle finger. Hermione gasped and quickly turned the page. There was another page of Harry flipping off Hermione, and another. Hermione quickly kept turning the pages, every page was full of bony men flipping off Hermione.

On the front cover was Harry, fully-organed, hopefully, and he was laying down in his fully built cabin in Azkaban. Hermione waved at him. She was so stupid.

On page 343, after all the Wizarding ads, such as WHOPPERWEAR, robes and other clothing for the overweight wizard, and Do YOU Have a Secret Admirerer?

Come in and buy them some fresh...new...wizarding...chocolate...I guess...

On the contents page was as follows as this as follows:

**1. Fashion Tips For Your Pet Goat!**

**2. " " " You!**

**3. Even More Reasons to Hate Those Bloody House Elves Volume 9.**

**4. Harry Potter: Gift For The Dementor**

**5. TheBlackKeys: He Meets Dennis Casey**

**6. TheBlackKeys: He Did It Again!**

**7. TheOrangeButtons: Does TheBlackKeys know?**

**8. Dennis Casey: Does TheOrangeButtons know?**

**9. TheBlackKeys: Does Dennis Casey know that TheOrangeButtons know?**

**10. WHO THE ! CARES?**

**11. Makeup On Every Inch Of Your Body!**

**12. NOW SERIOUSLY! WHO THE #! CARES!**

**13. Does The Sun Never Shine On Closed Doors? Did you Open to Find Only Hurricanes Blow? Did It Take You Away to the Green Fields of Grain? Where The Sun Never Shines on Closed Doors? Do You All Go The Same Way Home?**

**Yes, You All Go The Same Way Home? Dennis Casey's Guitar Strings?**

**27. Queen Anne: Did She Get Her Revenge?**

**29. Words Of Wisdom From: Johnny Depp and a Mellow Marshmellow.**

**37. I-Can't-Believe-People-Hate-Gay-People-But-We-Are-Extremley-Homophobic-Hypocrites-Joke-Of-The-Day!**

**38. TheFieryFurnaces: Their Dog Was Lost, But Now Their Found.**

**39. Low! Low Prices for Pinstripe Suits That Nobody Cares About Except TheBlackKeys and Dave King! But They're Dumb!**

**40. Blindy: The Really Dumb Snake With No Eyes**

**42. Twiggy: A Twig! A Dumb Twig! A REALLY DUMB TWIG!**

**43. Dumb Thumb: Harry Potter cut off his thumb, and we had an interview!**

**45. The Other Wizarding News: DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! DUMB!**

**46. Top 35 Punishing Ideas: No More Soap In The Mouth Moms! New Ways Using Magic Having Your Youngsters Learn Their Lesson!**

**49. Top 1000 Things We Call Dumb: You Won't Believe #1! It's You!**

Queer, Hermione thought, Usually The Daily Prophet is only about 12 pages long. She then turned to page 4, reading the Harry Potter interview, and read.

**Hello, and Welcome to This WEEK in Dumb Things DAILY. This MONTH, we decided on three things that were really dumb this YEAR. Harry Potter, Harry Potter, and Harry Potter. **

**We quickly got the inside scoop on what's keeping him in the coop. We walked to cabin number 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001, and we had to walk no cabins. He was Number One. Anyway, onto the Interview of the Minute. However, we must tell you, if you are reading this to your children, or vice versa, don't. **

**Teach Your Kids to be Homophobic Hypocrites, and go to page 37. That's good news. Not That Dumb Crap.**

**The Daily Show-I mean Prophet: Hey Crazy Baby, How Long Have you been here?**

**Harry Potter: Eh..A While...**

**TDP: I see.. Can we take a picture of you for Number #2 of Top 1000 Things We Call Dumb?**

**HP: Depends...What's Number One?**

**TDP:You!**

**HP: silent**

**After 5 more minutes of silence, the interview continued.**

**TDP: So..uh...I noticed you only have one ear. WTF mate?**

**HP: Oh..yeah..my roommate rapist here, his nickname's Hairy Harry. We share the same name...anyway, he taught me about Lord of the Flies and Reservoir Dogs. And uh...he said something about a gift for the beast, and I thought he meant the dementors, so (right about now he pushed his hair out of his eyes) he also talked about how they tortured the cop in Reservoir Dogs into telling them the cop informer, and so he cut off my ear as a "Gift For The Dementors"**

**TDP: Oh...my...God... That is f!cking demented...**

**HP: What? (He Turned Around And We Could See His Bleeding Fungus Full Non-Ear. A 7 foot long worm crawled inside.) Hee Hee. That tickles. Fredrick get out.**

**Fredrick: Awww shucks. Caught Again!**

**HP: Haha. Good ol' Freddie.**

**TDP: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?**

**We Abanddoned the interview immeadietley. **

Hermione looked on to page Three.

**#89450802480957830578329507250724859090478329082903475: No, Im Not Kidding, They are REALLY DUMB!**

**#89450802480957830578329507250724859090478329082903476: They have gooey stuff on 'em.**

**#89450802480957830578329507250724859090478329082903477: Ever kissed one? Don't. Unless someone is giving you money.**

Hermione turned a few more pages. Then A Few More. Then She was at Page 37.

**Why is the sky blue and the grass green?**

** Because Gay People Are Dumb!**

Hermione laughed herself to death. Literally. Just Kidding. Homophobic little humbahumberahumhumhummmm.

She turned 9 pages more.

**#35. Crucio**

**#34. Stupefy**

**#33. Stupidio**

**#32. Silencio, then Stupefy**

**#31. Stupefy, then throw them in their room and the Lockio**

**#30. Throw them in the room and then Lockify (Permenent Locking)**

**#29. Send them To the Time-Out Chair.**

Hermione skipped down to the Top Five.

**#5. Ingnito, after Cutos (Cuts Your Kid's Skin Open and Light Your Kid On Fire After A Douse Of Lighter Fluid.)**

**#4. Ingnitio (Light Them with Lighter Fluid and Burns them.**

**#3. Give them a pen. Write I will obey my mother 100 times daily. Cuts into their skin, making them bleed. Fart!**

**#2. Use The Rope Tie Charm tieing their arms behind their back, and then put a handkerchief on their mouths!**

**#1. WARNING, this is a last resort, and do not use unless you are really pissed off at your kid, and you've used all of these 35 ideas. Use of this may send you to Azkaban, and or Azkaban, use Avada Kedavra.**

Hermione didn't believe what she just read. Did The Daily Prophet Just give Her Permission to kill anybody?

bwahahahahaha...

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's give a round of applause to our guest, Chapter Ten.

REVIEW OR DIE!

Seriously folks. 


	11. Her Parents Must Be So Proud

I do not own Harry Potter.

I don't own "We're Going To Be Friends" By The White Stripes.

I do not own Naked Ned.

Chapter 11: Her Parents Must Be So Proud.

Hermione had her wand "at the ready". She was Azkaban, and about to save Harry. She went to the first cabin.

"Harry get out." People could tell Hermione was having her period.

"Ok"

"I can't"

"How?"

"The Workers"

"Huh?"

"They'll see me!"

"Goddamn it Harry get out!"

"Hey" Harry whistled. "Take 5"

"Righto"

"Righto"

"Righto" Harry said.

He climbed out.

Simple enough.

They were in the Past Zone.

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do...

It was nighttime. Hermione saw Hermione, and Harry, and Ron and Ron. Harry saw Hairy Harry and Naked Ned. They were both nude.

"dubbadubadubbaudbuab!"

"uuuhh-"

"Come on buddy!" Hermione said. She grabbed Ron and they went ahead in time.

They make it sound so easy. But it's not.

"NEVER EVER KILL YOURSELF AGAIN DO YOU UNDERSTAND! IF I HAVE TO GO BACK IN TIME AND SAVE YOUR LIFE AGAIN...(Hermione remembered the past chapter) I WILL NOT SAVE YOUR LIFE! I WILL KILL YA!" Hermione went mad and ran away naked.

"

fall is here, hear the yell

back to school, ring the bell

brand new shoes, walking blues

climb the fence, book and pens

i can tell that we are gonna be friends

"

"LEEEKO LEEKO LEEEKO!"

She dumped a bottle of ketchup on his face.

"NICKY NICKY NANANANANANANA!"

She ran through the Great Hall. Naked. No, you don't understand...she was mad.

It all ended she was sent back to her common room. She was on fire when she entered. Her long bushy hair was down, and she was still naked. No, wait, She was actually on fire! She didn't seem to notice though. Oh well. She took a shower.

"

walk with me, suzy lee

through the park, by the tree

we will rest upon the ground

and look at all the bugs we've found

then safely walk to school

without a sound

"

"I'm hungry. Come on"

"Where are we going?" Ron asked.

Hermione was still naked for some reason. And The shower didn't stop the fire.

"It's where Umbridge had a reservation."

"The restaurant of Avada Kedavra?"

"WATCH OUT RON! YOU NEARLY KILLED ME!"

sonofahumberahummuhmmm

"Yes."

"!"

"?"

"!" Harry suddenly appeared.

":("

"?"

" ()() () "

":0!"

"?"

""

"?"

"It looks like your holding him!"

"!ohno!"

"it does"

"Intentionally"

"Ah! Im coming! I know a couple thousand dating songs."

"Fine...Just...Float your boat ok Harry?"

"Quoiever"

"Looks like your kissing him too!"

"shut up"

"

well here we are, no one else

we walked to school all by ourselves

there's dirt on our uniforms

from chasing all the ants and worms

we clean up and now it's time to learn

"

Later, at the restaurant of Ava-nevermind...Im not even going to touch that one...

"Hello Madame, do you have a- OH MY GOD YOUR NAKED!"

"Yes I do, I name is Delores Jane Umbridge"

"Continue."

The large restaurant was full of rich snobs and the Ministry of Magic personnel and both.

Hermione looked around. She saw a little girl with her mother and father.

"I suggest adding a little AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Suddenly everyone held out their wands..it was like the mafia...only..magical...

Hermione's naked flesh and bones crawled onto a stage that was at the front of restaurant.

"Hey everybody." She was holding up a microphone and a spotlight was on her. "Ever heard the one about the octopus and the AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Anyway, the tagline is AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"And then I said, "AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!

"

numbers, letters, learn to spell

nouns, and books, and show and tell

at playtime we will throw the ball

back to class, through the hall

teacher marks our height against the wall

" AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

After everybody in the building was dead, she said,

"Cm'on Harry, Ron"

Silence. 24 people were just murdered because of her. Including Harry and Ron.

Shit.

"

and we don't notice any time pass

we don't notice anything

we sit side by side in every class

teacher thinks that i sound funny

but she likes the way you sing

tonight i'll dream while i'm in bed

when sill thoughts go through my head

about the bugs and alphabet

and when i wake tomorrow i'll bet

that you and i will walk together again

cause i can tell that we

are going to be friends

"

What is this, Chapter 11?


	12. Intermission

I do not own Flogging Molly, or their song, such as "The Wanderlust"

I do not own Dennis Casey...unfortunately...

I do not own Homestar Runner...or any of the characters, who Ryan asked if Homestar was retarted. CURSES!

I do not own "Big Spender" By: Peggy Lee. (it's hers)

Thank you 3 reviewers and 4 reviews!

Goofs I have made:

1. Harry was lynched. Then he was alive. Ohmygod! I should change it right now, I am sorry, me no feeling currently good, I am under the weather with a strange disease called: Sarcasm! Ooh Burn!

2. I remember there was another, if you review me it might help...

3. Ron should be arrested already for killing Umbridge. This chapter will help on that.

Chapter 12: Intermission

Ok...Um...This is the Intermission part of the story. It's only long enough for someone to take a piss. Or get a coke. So, you better hurry before there are a bunch of people in the bathroom and you end up giving the money to another man! And then they set you up to write a paying Fanfiction GO! QUICK! THEY ARE COMING!

I'm not kidding. Go. It's Intermission. If you want I'll bring Harry out onto the stage to sing another song while your gone.

"YES YES YES!"

Ok...

Harry comes onto the stage.

"Hey," says Harry, clearing his throat gingerly, which is kind of hard.

"Ok. Here I go:

**Chorus**

**Do you still walk the streets at night?**

**With the wandlust you fight**

**Back to the corner where we went our**

**seperate ways**

**Well I'd love to photograph your hand**

**Then shake it for a while**

**Cause you learn so much about someone**

**A brother or a swine**

**The veins that plough beneath your path**

**With so many tales to tell**

**A picture out of focus**

**In a frame where no one cares**

**Calm the ocean breeze**

**Quiet the raging sea**

**This stormy ship we sail**

**Is a bottle filled with rage**

**Chorus**

**Well we walked upon the railroad**

**Cause the train no longer ran**

**Where we caught a glimpse of all we missed**

**From the stars that filled our eyes**

**With a dollar in your only coat**

**And a fireball in your hand**

**You set your sails for better days**

**Down in South Australia**

**Dark though it has been**

**Your old spirit still shines within**

**These last thirteen years depraved**

**Of us anything that's worth sayin'**

**Chorus**

**So raise a cheer to those forgotten years**

**Back to the corner where wew went our**

**seperate ways**

**Now the carnival is goin' home**

**The ferris wheel is spent**

**For those rovin' years of endless jeers**

**Have dried all that was left**

**Calm the ocean breeze**

**Quiet the raging sea**

**This stormy ship we sail**

**Is a bottle filled with rage**

**Chorus"**

**Harry thexcuse me...**Harry (who is dead in this play..fanfiction...thingy) then continued to sing, but suddenly Dennis Casey came out and did a guitar solo!

YAY!

After this moment, TheBlackKeys died of touching Dennis Casey's Billy Wilder hat too much. I am TheOrangeButtons, and this is Muggle News For Wizards Submitted Through Fanfiction. Yes, it is true. I killed TheBlackKeys. I set him up to write this Fanfiction. I

But suddenly TheBlackKeys ressurrected and the police took TheOrangeButtons away...

Poor Girl.. Not really. She set him up.

"YOU SET ME UP! YOU SET ME UP! The Cheattell him that she set you ohh.Nevermind..."

Soon, Dennis Casey left, and TheBlackKeys yelled. For no pecticular reason. Then Miss Naked came up herself during the intermission of the Fanfiction play and did a talent preformence herself.

"Ok. I am about to sing "Big Spender" By: Peggy Lee. There are only women in here, and I am extremley homophobic and STUPID!This indeed will be embarrassing, but, hey, I am about to show off how stupid homophobic people are. Not really.

"

**The minute you walked in the joint.**

**I could see you were a man of destinction **

**a real big spender**

**Good lookin **

**so refined**

**say wouldn't you like to know whats goin on in my mind? **

**so let me get to the point**

**I don't pop my cork for every guy I see**

**Hey big spender**

**Spend a little time with me**

**Wouldn't you like to have fun fun fun**

**How's about a few laughs laughs laughs**

**I can show you a good time**

**Let me show you a good time**

**The minute you walked in the joint,**

**I could see you werea man of destinction **

**a real big spender**

**Good lookin **

**so refined**

**say wouldn't you like to know whats goin on in my mind? **

**so let me get to the point**

**I don't pop my cork for every guy I see**

**Hey big spender**

**Hey big spender**

**Hey big spender**

**Spend a little time with me"**

**Yeah!**

Then Hermione passed out on stage and was soon dragged off.

Ron then came up, and sang his own song.

"OoohThe wheels on the bus go round and round round and round, round and round the wheels on the bus go round and ro"

But before he could finish, the Ministry of Magic hauled the Back Stabbing Cold Blooded Imposter Gangsta back to Azkaban.

Then the play started up again...

Just a reminderIntermissions are usually more than half way through a play.

OH NO!


	13. Epilogue: Where is My Mind?

I do not own Harry Potter.

I do not own "Where is My Mind?" By: The Pixies. _(italic)_

_"Ooooooh - stop _

_With your feet in the air and your head on the ground _

_Try this trick and spin it, yeah _

_Your head will collapse _

_But there's nothing in it _

_And you'll ask yourself _

_Where is my mind?_

_Where is my mind?_

_Where is my mind?"_

Epilogue.

Hermione commit suicide at Azkaban with a suicide note:

_"I killed the following:_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_The Knight Bus crew_

_Residents at the Restaurant Massacre_

_Umbridge_

_Thank you."_

_" _

_Way out in the water _

_See it swimmin' _

_I was swimmin' in the Carribean _

_Animals were hiding behind the rock _

_Except the little fish _

_But they told me, he swears _

_Tryin' to talk to me to me to me _

_Where is my mind?_

_Where is my mind?_

_Where is my mind? "_

Nobody ever found her, or this note, because she was still rotting at this site today. Every dementor, cheermentor, and guard died at the restaurant, and nobody really went to Azkaban anymore. The only people who were there were the prizoners, who are still in that chamber today. So, Hermione, Harry, Ron, and every other dead body in this story has done nothing. They just stayed still and rotted. Not much of a epilogue if you ask me. Eh? Now the time I have to cram the rest of the song into the end of the epilogue.

_"_

_Way out in the water _

_See it swimmin' ? _

_With your feet in the air and your head on the ground _

_Try this trick and spin it, yeah _

_Your head will collapse _

_If there's nothing in it _

_And you'll ask yourself _

_Where is my mind (3x) _

_Ooooh _

_With your feet in the air and your head on the ground _

_Ooooh _

_Try this trick and spin it, yeah _

_Ooooh_

_Ooooh_

_"_

**One chapter remains. **

**Who will die?**

**Who is dead?**

**Who is the BSCBIG?**

**Oh wait...you know...or do you?**


	14. Death List

I do not own J.K Rowling's Harry Potter books.

I do not own Modest Mouse or their songs, such as "Satin in A Coffin".

I do own this plot of this fanfiction however.

Chapter Numero 14…o…

Albus Dumbledore – exploded of breakdancing, not killed by Ron or Harry as mislead Hermione thought.

"You were laying on the carpet  
like you're satin in a coffin.  
You said, "Do you believe what you're sayin'?"  
Yeah right now, but not that often.

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
God I sure hope you are dead."

The Night Bus gang – killed by Ron or Harry, evidence does not show anything, except for whoever wrote it enjoys brownies. It was smeared all over the paper. I just kind of guessed what happened..

"Well you disappeared so often  
like you dissolved into coffee.  
Are you here right now  
or are there probably fossils under your meat?

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
God I sure hope you are dead."

The _Avada Kedavra Restaurant _diners – killed by a mad naked woman. Victims include the following: Corn Brownie Man, Cheermentors and Dementors of sorts, and every famous wizard and or witch.

"Now the blow's been softened,  
since the air we breathe's our coffin.

Well now the blow's been softened,  
since the ocean is our coffin.  
Often times you know our laughter  
is your coffin ever after.

And you know the blow's been softened,  
since the world is our coffin.  
Well now the blow's been softened  
since we are our own damn coffins.  
Well everybody's talkin' about their short lists.  
Everybody's talkin' about death.

You were laying on the carpet  
like you're satin in a coffin.

You said, "Do you believe what you're sayin'?"  
Yeah right now, but not that often."

Umbridge- Chapter One:killed by TheBlackKeys, took the Polyjuice Potion to become Ronald, who took the Polyjuice Potion to become Harry, to kill Umbridge. Umbridge, actually, TheOrangeButtons, as you know, set me up to write this fanfiction. I wanted money…not Fanfiction! I was a poor boy. For some reason, TheOrangeButtons, an ex best friend of mine, told me I could kill her if I wrote a fanfiction about it. There. I said it. I killed Dolores. Not Ronald. I faked my death at the restaurant, because its kind of hard being the character and the author at the same time. If you do not understand, review and ask WTF mate?

"Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?  
God, I sure hope you are dead."

Thanks for reading my fanfiction…now onto the money time.

I'll make another….?


	15. Author's Note One Last Time

Chapter 15: One Last Time/Author's Note

Hello, I am "TheBlackKeys" , creator, writer, and actor in Back Stabbing Cold Blooded Imposter Gangsta. I believe fanfiction is a gift not from obsession, but love. Love is what makes fanfiction go round. Thank you. That is all. Actually, on a final note, I here have Jon Philipeenolakadakaneeneechoocoo, here to sing Black Friday Rule, By Flogging Molly, in Chapter Four entitled, The Verdict, I said it would be in this story one last time.

I lied.

Jon, when you are ready, nod to Roberta.

"

I want to believe in myself once again

So I dream of a man whose hopes never end

To kiss with a girl who's as lovely as you

I'd give you my heart, if you gave me the truth

And for every tear that is lost from an eye

I'd dig me a well where no man could destroy

I want to believe in a freedom that's bold

But all I remember is the freedom of old

Well I lost me a wife, so I found me a plane

Flew all the way to California

This mess in my head is a mess getting out

Ya drink too much coffee, I drink too much stout

But after a while, when my mouth's not so dry

I'll dance up a storm, sure life's looking fine

But as darkness falls, I return to my bed

Don't ask me more questions, don't fuck with my head

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

Like thousands of people, left standing in their shoe

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

As thousands they grieve, as the Black Friday rule

The buildings they shake but my heart it beats still

Oh mother of Jesus, I feel pretty ill

I want to go home where my feet both feel safe

But there ain't no jobs in the old free state

So I must remain in my new adopted land

I'm doing the best, Hell I'm doin' all I can

So next time you see me, don't ask for my name

For I am the King and sure long may I reign

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

Like thousands of people, left standing in their shoe

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

As thousands they grieve, as the Black Friday rule

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

Like thousands of people, left standing in their shoe

I've been down in this world, down and almost broken

As thousands they grieve, as the Black Friday rule"

Heya!

Done.

Ill make another.

Soon.


End file.
